What fear does to your body and mind

 It was Friday morning, and I was still waiting for a return call from our vet with blood test results for our beloved one-year-old kitten, Massimo. We'd had the blood drawn on Tuesday. What's taking so long? I can't sit here doing nothing.

The anxiety permeated my body. I'm so fidgety that I can't sit still. The adrenaline and cortisol are telling me to "fight", and while my mind is aware of what's happening physiologically it's impossible to self-coach my way out of it.

Massimo had been fighting a mysterious illness for about a month. He was losing weight and had become lethargic. All of my Mama Bear instincts were kicking in to protect him. 

I called the vet and assertively asked to light a fire on the bloodwork. A few hours later, we had our results: Negative for the life-threatening virus that's becoming more common in cats (FIP, a mutation of a coronavirus). 

I wasn't buying it.

Should I listen to the logic of the test results? Our vet recommended a weekend-long stay at the ICU to run more tests to rule out other possibilities.

My body wouldn't allow that choice. My instincts told me to pursue the non-FDA-approved treatment our vet couldn't administer. While this treatment is illegal in the U.S., other countries were using it to combat this quickly spreading virus in young cats.

IF my body were right, we'd save Massimo's life. 

Just two weeks later, we had our answer: My body was wise. Massimo has steadily improved through the daily anti-viral shots we're giving him. He appears to be out of the woods and on his way to a full recovery.

It's taken me that long to unwind the impact of anxiety and worry on my body—my nervous system hasn't been this overloaded since the pandemic. I was having difficulty concentrating, felt perpetually "wired," and, unusually, my sleep wasn't restful. Swimming, walks, and yoga weren't enough to maintain equanimity.

Fear is amazing. It serves a survival purpose. Yet, as I'd recently read in Positive Intelligence, living in survival brain mode is absolutely exhausting, and quite miserable. 

What struck me deeply about this experience was how common scenarios like this are in our lives. Most of us have scary things that regularly pop up. I know what that does to my nervous system...and have empathy for all people experiencing it.

It is hard to bring calm awareness to a survive-brain moment, and it takes practice to return the body to "normal". Three years ago, I didn't even know what calm felt like. Now it is one of my most valuable measures of health.

Compared to past anxiety-ridden scenarios, what was different for me this time was honoring my body's signals. I made a decision using its wisdom and went beyond rational thought. The fear signals serve a purpose: To protect. There's a reason they are so LOUD! 📢

Slowing down to notice the signals is a step forward in retraining my fear reaction into a more measured response using all of my mental, emotional, body, and intuitive intelligence.

Sometimes fear is useful to make better decisions.

Courage requires fear's presence. 💕