Asking for help when overwhelmed by fear

In late 2024, I went on a weeklong art retreat in Central Mexico at a beautiful artist commune called San Miguel de Allende, a place I'd wanted to explore for years.

But leading up to it, I was completely overwhelmed. International travel comes with extra logistics at the best of times. The month before the retreat had been packed: book promotion activities, personal stressors, a full plate.

When I finally opened the retreat itinerary and art materials list to start preparing, I shut down. It was simply more newness — more change — than my nervous system could handle.

I was teetering on what polyvagal theory calls dorsal collapse: the deep-freeze state where the oldest part of our survival brain takes over, and forward motion feels impossible.

So I gave myself a few days. Not because I'd given up, but because I know my own fear response well enough to recognize that forcing action from a shutdown state doesn't work.

I needed to return to a regulated, connected place before I could ask for help, and asking for help was exactly what the situation called for.

Once I could, I reached out to the retreat lead with a simple question: “What’s the minimum I actually need?” (I’d missed the pre-order deadline for supplies, a detail that had felt catastrophic in shutdown mode, and totally manageable once I wasn’t.)

Then I asked my husband to take me shopping. This involved trips to both Michael’s and Blick Art Supplies. If you’ve ever been in either of those stores, you know what a generous act that was. 😊

I got the bare minimum. I figured out where I could fit in the daily movement my nervous system depends on: yoga, walking, and swimming. And I reconnected with why I’d booked this trip in the first place so that I could feel what it’s like to live, even briefly, in a culture that honors creativity and art.

I climbed out of the overwhelm with help from others and from myself.

What this looks like in your organization

Dorsal shutdown — that freeze-and-fawn response — has been my default fear response for most of my life. It’s the oldest part of our survival brain, and for me, it’s the hardest to change behaviorally.

So I notice it quickly when I see it during organizational change. It shows up as people frozen by overwhelm. They are:

• Unable to take action without clear, direct instructions.
• Unable to identify what they need or who to ask.
• Stuck not because they don’t care, but because their nervous system is in protection mode.

Change leaders need to know how to work with this response, not push against it. They can:

• Offer compassionate, patient support, not pressure
• Break actions into small, specific steps rather than offering general encouragement
• Help people identify where to get support during change, which is often not their direct supervisor, but a peer, a system power user, or a dedicated change champion.

Fear isn’t the enemy. Fear is trying to protect us. The real win for ourselves and for the people we lead is learning to move through it at a pace the nervous system can actually handle.

Change has a predictable emotional pattern, and the faster we learn to recognize it in ourselves, the faster we can help others do the same. That’s what builds the habit for next time.

Updated May 2026 to strengthen the behavioral science framing, add context on the dorsal collapse freeze response, and include links to related resources on fear responses and the emotions of change.

Help your team shift from reacting to change to responding with clarity and courage

Book a keynote on emotional intelligence and navigating change with courage. Your team will learn to recognize fear responses, apply the 3N Influencing Technique, and navigate change with emotional intelligence. Learn more about keynote speaking services.

For leaders seeking deeper exploration, read my book Inspired by Fear: Becoming a Courageous Change Leader, where I dedicate an entire chapter to applying the 3N Influencing Technique during organizational change. Buy the book.